So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
