I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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