I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
