you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
