Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
