plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Randomize
