watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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