gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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