I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
