Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
