I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
