My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
