he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
