u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
is wine microwaveable?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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