If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
