I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
