he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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