i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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