My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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