I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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