Me too!
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
