She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
