So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Let's get the cat blown out
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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