If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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