I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
