My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
