If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
