my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize