i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
