I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I did not marry a roomba.
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