Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
