I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
