Why are handjobs necessary in class?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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