I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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