My cat gives me a boner
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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