i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
