btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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