puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
