Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Randomize
