ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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