So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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