You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
