Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
