I accidentally had phone sex last night
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
