I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
