Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
