did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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