im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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