the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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