This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
