tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
