He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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